Today I screamed at my kids. Not because they were doing anything that wrong, but because I was overbooked and stressed. I had taken a phone call when I knew I needed to be present. I moved through my routine, rushing around to stay on time without communicating expectations or the time frame. I assumed they knew what I wanted or needed while only thinking about my own needs, forgetting to get them on the same page—and also forgetting to actually teach them how to communicate.
I had slept in instead of getting up with my alarm and starting my day at my journal desk to get clear on what mattered. I scrolled and got distracted by other people’s lives instead of living my own at the table with my kids. I carried emotions I didn’t know what to do with, and I let that internal angst spill out into the chaos of our day. Then, at the last minute, when I needed everyone to be ready and aligned with where our day was headed, they were scattered and out of rhythm.
I share this not as a judgment on myself, my kids, or any one piece. I share it as an observation: when we get distracted, fall off course, and feel off-kilter inside, the people around us will too. It’s not about always being perfectly on target with who or how we want to be. It’s about realizing that when I screamed at my kids, I was reacting to what I was feeling inside. And when my kids were distracted, they were simply existing inside of my unstable day—where I didn’t have a clear grasp on myself, let alone them.
I have a closet I like to go into when I need to reset. It’s where I talk to God. It’s where I cry. It’s where I recenter myself. And it’s the place I leave from when I know the next thing I need to do is apologize. Today, it was to my kids. Other days, it’s to my husband. Sometimes, it’s to myself—for not being perfect, for not having it all together, for being a mom who can go from a friendly phone call in one moment to screaming at her kids in the next, simply because I didn’t give myself enough transition time in between.
And I’m mostly telling you this because, whether it’s with a colleague, spouse, friend, child, grandchild, or neighbor—I know we all do this.
I’ve noticed that when I fall into this messy pattern of not being the mom I feel called to be, it’s usually because I’m not living inside my own life and purpose. I’ve taken on too many things I’ve made more important than what I truly feel honored and humbled to call the most important thing: my full-time job as a mom, homeschooling my two unique spirits. I’ve been putting pressure on myself to somehow work part-time from home while being a full-time mom—knowing that I only function my best with personal time to decompress.
And honestly? I’ve been craving that. Time to be me. So that I can show up as the best mom.
So, I’m changing my schedule. I’m honoring the first thing again. I’m focusing on the calling I know is mine in this short, fast season. If you follow me on Instagram @ijustneedanapfirst, you know I talk a lot about rhythms and seasons. I’m a HUGE believer in learning how to honor who we are and where we are. Just like everything in nature has its own time and place, so do we. And just like everything in nature takes breaks and rests from blooming or producing, so do we.
Learning to live in the world God made—instead of forcing our lives on top of the world He designed our bodies to rhythmically live in—is the key. That’s when we feel most at peace. That’s when we feel aligned.
And I’ve always felt called to be a mom: to raise my kids, love them well, and then send them on their way to conquer the world with their unique purpose.
✨ Chase More Life with me. Keep finding your true purpose and rhythm in this season of life—and let’s learn to live in harmony within ourselves.
