But then I realize that I define who I want to be with the clarifying words of money, influence, and success. And while none of those things are wrong to want, it’s the antithesis of who I really am deep down. In reality, I want a quiet life full of deep contentment, cozy moments at a relaxed pace, joyful moments doing what I love with people who understand me. I want connection, community, and inspiration more than things I can chart on an Excel graph. And in reality those things take very little energy to achieve but a whole lot of deep purpose and consistency of calling.
So when you seek something simply because you’ve defined yourself a failure without it (i.e.not having that success influence or money attached with a calling)…And when you multiply the normal amount of fatigue that comes from self-draining thoughts paired with the reality of a physical, diagnosable fatigue, it’s no wonder I can’t ever seem to begin.
Perhaps it’s true that I’ll always be mediocre in the eyes of many. Or that my little sphere of the world is small. Or the energy I possess to output anything into the world besides taking care of myself and my own is minimal at best.
But also, maybe I am who I want to be. Maybe I”m chasing someone else’s ideals. A product of how I grew up, my land of origin, American success rhythms that are jarring to my actual nervous system or even how things work any other place in the world.
Perhaps my thoughts aren’t my own, and when I”m not pressuring myself to keep up with literally everyone else, I can actually keep up with myself and be content.
Be where your feet are. Breathe. And keep walking.
