I’ve come to understand that my deep need for a home- a space that belongs to me- reflects me- heals me- comes from my visceral response to the outside world: a place where just living & existing often feels like waiting for a surprise slap in the face– being constantly prepared for reactions & expectations. A place where I’m often misunderstood, minimized, or not appreciated for my less popular attributes. A place where i’m easily overwhelmed & overstimulated. A place where it’s hard to get comfortable & take a deep breath.
But at home, it’s cozy. It’s safe. My nerves can rest. I can take a deep breath. I can fully be me with no judgment, explanations, or needing to change. I’m comfortable. Everything I see is curated for my visual calm, not someone else’s. I can live my routine, not theirs. I can breathe deeply and listen to my own thoughts. I can fall apart, scream, cry, relax.
When I leave my home to venture out into the world, it’s with the knowledge that I’ll need to put on a bit of a show. I’ll need to keep up. Smile. Pretend. I’ll be giving of myself and the gift of time and listening and serving. All great things. That I choose to do. That I also must do. But home is where I recharge so I can do it again.
You know those questions around getting to know someone where they ask, “What’s your favorite thing to do?” Well, my internal answer was always to sit on my sofa with a book or cozy show. The answer I give is about my art, love of hiking, going to shows. But when I’m out in the world, knowing that my sofa is waiting for me later in the evening is literally the carrot at the end of the stick. It’s what gets me through. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy the social moments, the experiences, the adventures outside my door. It’s just that it’s not what I ultimately look forward to.
Who I truly am exists inside of my home. And that’s why this year’s events leading to a potential house move is hitting me so hard. Picking a house is so much more to me than a checklist of 3 bedrooms, a fenced yard, and a front porch. It’s something inside of me that I”ll just know, like when I met my husband. He was my person. And a home is my place.
In a world of high energy productivity & things constantly changing, home is where I can simply be.
~Molly
