I was recounting to someone the other day about my month of fun events and plans, while lamenting the extrememe fatigue that follows me after any level of exertion around said events and travel….and she commented, “You know that you really do a lot. I wouldn’t even say yes to that many things, and I don’t have a chronic health condition.”
And it struck me.
I don’t see things that way. I see my life as half-lived and rather void of accomplished goals compared to my peers. I am always thinking about all of the things I’ve left undone and how little I get done in a day or a week towards fun events or making memory adventures with my family.
And what people don’t see, not even close family, is the way I pretend. Sure I fill in the gaps of my non-communication and long periods of absence with plenty of fun excursions and trips where I prioritize the people and events I think a life should be about…but then there are days and weeks at a time where I am doing nothing. Where I am on the couch. Or in bed. Or I go days in the same lounge-wear. Or my neighbors make jokes about my introversion and how my van never leaves my driveway or how I’m never outside living life but they see my husband all the the time. Or all of the unanswered calls and texts on my phone.
See, I’ve always wanted to be adventurous…. An outdoorsy woman. Evers since I was in highschool I’d stroll down the ailes of REI and purchase apparel and gear that would make me that identity I most wanted. But in reality, I prefer to be at home. I’m never venturing out unless I have someone else that can plan it and do the ‘heavy lifitng’ of the outdoor activity (this is why I married my husband who is a hiker and camper–an attribute I love in him that I wish I had). And if I’m seeing you and interracting with the world around me it’s intentionally done in a sort of checklist scheduled way. And I’m looking at all of these trips and events so that I can tell myself, “I am that person who is active and has a full life and friends.”
I”m constantly pushing my limits in order to prove that to myself and the rest of the world. And then I”m crashing on the other side… disappearing from life for weeks at a time.
These cycles aren’t intentional, but they have made up most of my adult life. Especially when I’m surrounded with so many hard-working, goal-getting, fitness and lifestyle achievers via my career choices. It’s been hard for me to accept me amidst all of this. To be ok with my lack. To lean into the rest and retreat I seem to constantly need. To not compare.
And so yes, I do see that I do a lot. Perhaps more than most, when I look at it through a different lense. I see that I might not even realize that. But I also need to go out and adventure and do the all the things, while understanding it might in fact be a hindrance to the healthy rhythm of dealing with my IH symptoms.
And this paradox lives within each of us. Not just me. We are always chasing the person we aspire to be while judging the human that we are.
